-- NYC Traffic Fiasco | LTV Squad

NYC Traffic Fiasco

Published on: January 2nd, 2013 | Last updated: June 23, 2015 Written by:

NYC’s current DOT commissioner, Janette ‘the sadist’ Khan, believes that NYC’s traffic needs to be ‘calmed’.

To this bitch, I say “traffic will be calmer when it fucking moves”.


It’s impossible to drive in NYC and not be full of road rage. The answer isn’t ‘traffic claiming measures’ i.e. – obstacles, weird pedestrian medians, closed turn lanes, and rerouted streets – the answer is to make traffic fucking move faster. To do that we need a whole lot less traffic lights or at the least better timed lights that don’t make you hit the brakes every other fucking block.

Light Timing: the good and the bad:
Look at Vernon blvd. in western Queens. The lights are timed to make you stop a half dozen times between Astoria and LIC. The only way to make the light going south from 34th ave to 36th ave is to go 50mph – and people fucking do it – because no one wants to have to stop over and over again.

Going from the exit at 82nd on the GCP west into Astoria, via 19th ave? The only way to avoid the light at 21st Ave is to do 40 or above.

I could list dozens of examples of this.

Think of all the emissions from cars idling at lights and the worn out break pads caused by this shit. It’s fucking stupid. If the lights were timed so you do a
Comfy 30 no one would feel the need to speed.

Meanwhile, in Manhattan, you can go from the lower east side practically to Harlem without hitting a single red light on 2nd ave. That’s because they’re timed. You don’t need to go beyond the speed limit.

Brooklyn? Same on Bedford from the ghetto to hipsterland. Flushing ave off the BQE deep into Bushwick? You hit maybe 3 or 4 lights. Once you cross into Queens you get reds at every fucking corner.

Bronx? Try driving up Bruckner Blvd. Lights, lights, lights. you stop at nearly every other intersection. Queens Blvd? Same fucking shit. What the fuck is the point of ‘express lanes’ in a boulevard if the lights are timed like shit?

This is the sort of thing that makes drivers want to kill.

Stop & Proceed blinking reds at night.
It goes beyond mere red light timing though – often, red lights make absolutely no fucking sense.

Right on red at night between 12 and 6 AM in the outer boroughs – or reds become yields at night – why the fuck can’t we do that? There’s very little traffic and next to no danger.

I’ll tell you why- because politicians are assholes who just want excuses to write tickets and play lip service to public safety. You want me to drive less aggressively with a desire to kill? Great – I can do that do long as I’m not sitting at a fucking red light on an empty industrial street in LIC at 3am wondering why the fuck I need a traffic light telling me when it’s safe to go when there isn’t another car moving within a 10 block radius. Do you really think We all need to be Nannied to a point of wanting to get out of the car and chock a random stranger?

Deaths? Sure let’s talk about those.

Pedestrians will die less when they stop running blindly out into traffic. Girls: I don’t care how hot you are – I’m not slowing down for you. Some of you think being pretty lets you get away with anything. Guess what – you’re gunna look pretty bad when that taxi hits you.

Cyclists will die less when they start obeying basic traffic rules – like not going through red lights in Manhattan during the day.

Cyclists claim they can’t simply stop at every red light. Fine. Better timed lights would address that.

Crazy Drivers are crazy due to all the fucking red lights
Crazy drivers? Yeah there are a fucking ton of them out there. Just the other day I had a lunatic pull up next to me on a single lane street. When the light changed I nosed out in front of him because it’s shit manners to try to pass someone at a fucking red light on a single lane street. So what does this asshole do?

When he realizes he can’t pass me on the right, he starts honking, freaks out, blows past me on the left (across the line, into oncoming traffic) – just so he could get through the next red light – at the next corner. The thing is there’s maybe 400 feet between the two lights. You can floor it once the first light goes green and still not make the red at the next corner. This nut thought he could, and blew through that red light doing at least 40. Red Lights clearly had this guy loosing his shit. He kept driving like a total asshole around everyone – cutting people off, bullying his way down the road. We were going the same way, and hilariously I pulled up next to him 10 blocks later and waved. I didn’t break any laws. He probably broke 20 and sped off to go run over some grandmother in a fit of rage.

Red lights, or stop signs?
And for the love of god stop putting in all these new traffic lights – especially at corners where just a stop sign would do.

How much electricity do we need to waste on this shit? Where are those million trees Bloomberg lied about planting? I haven’t seen one. I’ve seen dozens of new traffic lights though. Poorly timed, electricity sucking traffic lights on all day every day burning a huge fucking hole in the ozone layer.

Shit Infrastructure
Maybe instead of hundreds of new traffic lights, maybe the city should invest in better roads? The BQE is always a shitshow at the LIE interchange. The two bridges that will soon be installed to replace the collapsing Kosciusko bridge will have 3 lanes each direction – no more than what current exists. Why the hell not widen the BQE from the LIE to The Willy B bridge? That would seriously cut traffic, cut emissions, and reduce stress overall. Nah – no one gives a shit about drivers in NYC. In NYC, drivers are treated with absolute disdain.

“Just use mass transit”
I do that, when I go to work in Manhattan. It’s cheap, easy, and time effective. At night or on a weekend? Fuck no. Why? The service sucks. Half hour wait times for a train at 2AM? Seriously? 1.5 hours to get from say, Greenpoint, to Astoria, via mass transit at night? It’s a fucking 10 minute drive! Hauling stuff? Who can carry 40lb bags of laundry 4 blocks to the laundromat because apartments in NYC don’t come with washer/dryers due to superiority cheap fucktard landlords?

Just take a cab
Yeah right. Once I had to haul an old desktop computer from lower manhattan to central Queens. No yellow cabs anywhere. Black car cab pulls up so I say fuck it and hop in. He says it’ll be $200. I tell him you’re on fucking crack and I’ll give you 20, tops. We settled on 35. Still a ridiculous cost. Good thing I was able to bill someone else for it.

Who’s at fault?
Drivers are not the problem. We are systematically victimized by a city government that is solely bent on ticketing us every chance they get. Bloomberg’s government just loves throwing more and more badly timed red lights into our paths so that by the time you get halfway to work or halfway home, you really do want to kill several innocent bystanders and their children. And that is just not right. Trust me, I rather not kill anyone. It’s certainly not in my best interest to do so.

By now you might be wondering why the word ‘fucking’ is used so liberally in this post. It’s because that’s how driving in NYC makes one feel – full of fucking rage. It really shouldn’t be this way. I just want to see better timed lights, no traffic lights where they are not necessary, and better infrastructure across the board. That will make NYC and the drivers within it significantly less hostile, less prone to driving like they’re in some demented action movie, and save actual lives.

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3 responses to “NYC Traffic Fiasco”

  1. atwa says:

    and Staten Island is paved carriage roads. i live on a street connecting two main thoroughfares that is barely wide enough for the opposing traffic. Guineas who dont give a shit about the communities of people or wildlife blow down this street (Bayview ave) throwing garbage out their window and coming within a foot of strollers, pedestrians, and dog walkers. The old homes dont have sidewalks. How can a 30 mph speed limit be justified on this residential street? Too many stupid people living worthless lives, stop having kids!

  2. Control says:

    I do agree. I’ve always lived on small residential streets and have frankly want to throw bottles at people racing down the street at 40, 50mph sometimes. The lights on my street are timed kinda-ok, so you can do 20-25 and get a few blocks before coming to a red. I generally only speed for lights on streets that are wide and where no one lives. I might be in a hurry, but I’m not crazy. Going slower on small streets has definitely saved at least one cat and a squirrel in the last year alone. (those buggers sure like to lurk under parked cars!)

  3. Marla Andretti says:

    Preach brothers– and though I’m a Guinea myself, some of our brethen are goddamn animals– especially when ‘roided up and taking fuck knows how many other drugs like they 90% of the goombah wannabes on Satan Island.

    Timed lights like Control mentioned are much needed but ALSO better timed walk signs at intersection, i.e. give pedestrians and cyclists time to get out of the way.

    There’s no excuse for cyclists running red lights recklessly BUT…

    Every driver should want cyclists to treat red lights as a stop sign and go when clear that way they’re out of your way and vice-versa.

    If cyclists WAIT at the goddamn red when it’s clear and then people are making righ hand turns etc… Another cluster fuck!

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    Bad Guy Joe

    Bad Guy Joe
    Bad Guy Joe knows more about the NYC underground than anyone else on or below the surface of this planet. He has spent nearly 30 years sneaking into NYC's more forbidden locations. When not underground, he's probably bitching about politicians or building something digital. 
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