"ARRR - THE HOT PANTS!" - Captain McAllister
Hot Pants? Yes, Hot Pants. (.wav format)
For 5 non consecutive saturday nights I was privileged to have both hours
to kill and Ryder trucks full of gas to do as I jolly well wanted with.
At the start of the night, I would drop off my precious cargo, and at the
end, I'd have to go back and pick it up - but for 8-9 hours in between,
thr trucks were all mine. And just what should one do when given the keys
to a rental truck with zero care in the world? Well... Inspired by that
stupid Pepsi commercial where P-Diddy showed up at some award show in a
pepsi truck, I knew immediately that these 5 nights needed to be put to
a use not ever seen before amongst UE dirtbags. Thus became the Drunken
Mobile Party known as The Ryder Nights. Below are some odd stats from these
nights:
Never get off the boat: Explorers per Ryder night:
Night 1. J-vo, Pro-zak
Night 2. Me and the Ms.
Night 3. Acf, Sleazy, AB.
Night 4. Ntwguy, Prozak, Soph, Steve Duncan
Night 5. Calyopi, Ntwguy, EBRat, Sleazy, Acf, SuperTramp.
Ports of Call: Stops per Ryder night:
Night 1. Scp, GTW, Brooklyn
Night 2. clASSified.!
Night 3. Scp, Gtw.
Night 4. 212 Hospital, Jail, Schaefer.
Night 5. Sperm Whale Tunnel, Freedom Light.
Fun adventure/Finds per Ryder night:
Night 1. Playing tennis at SCP.
Night 2. Parking the rock star ride outside a resturant. And what?!
Night 3. Going across collapsed rooftops and other shit parts of GTW that
I hadn't seen before.
Night 4. Scaffold Climbing. Mmmmm....
Night 5. Biforcated Kitty.
RyDER Ride Highlights:
Night 1. Prozak makes his cardboard fort in the back.
Night 2. Use your imagination. Or don't.
Night 3. Using the plasma screen case for a bar.
Night 4. Enjoying the potholes and my ability to back into highway overpass
supports. "plenty of space back there... BAM! Whoops!!!"
Night 5. Just plain harassing the riders in the back. Stopping short, purposefully
hitting potholes, stop-start-stop-start. Sudden turns. Weeee!
Truck Problems: what to expect with a Ry-DER rental (when 4 out of 5
vehicles suck, yeah, that's some quality rentals for you!):
Night 1. Van. All worked well.
Night 2. Box Truck. Mirrors would not adjust
Night 3. Box Truck. Mirrors would not adjust
Night 4. Box Truck. Mirrors would not adjust, No back up beeper. No Interior
Light. Passenger Side Window would not roll up.
Night 5. Box Truck. Broken Lift on rear of truck. Broken Speedometer( Speeding?
Officer, I don't know what you're talking about!), Broken Horn
Idiocy: Why People can't drive:
On each of the 5 nights, just a few accidents came close to happening...
Night 1. Fairly unremarkable night in terms of driving. Only the usual being
cut off by kamikaze taxi bullshit.
Night 2. Gay bike-cab driver that attempted to pass on the right of the
truck on a narrow street at night. This idiot had no headlights or anything
reflective on his bike at all, making him invisible to me. 'You can't see
me' is great when avoiding security, but not on the road. Dickhead waits
until I'm passing a double parked car on the left to try and pass on the
right - thus nearly getting himself crushed. Asshole. you want to commit
suicide, do it on your own fucking time and leave me out of it.
Night 3. Again, more dumb taxi drivers and the like. One guy on Second Av
thought it'd be good to cut in front of me with perhaps 2 inches between
his rear and my front end. he's lucky I didn't ram his stupid ass.
Night 4. Coming off the 59th st. bridge, there is an annoying 3 lane move
to the right if you want to not end up on either northern blvd. or queens
blvd. I slow down and have had the signal on for at least 1000 feet before
getting off the bridge. Still though, some dickhead decides to tailgate
then pass on the right just as I'm moving further and further right to make
my turn (driving slow and careful, signaling all the way. I finally let
loose, laying on the horn and rolling down the window to call him a stupid
fucking asshole. Needless to say he sped away as fast as he fucking could.
Night 5. Trying to get onto the right street in the new clubland of the
west side proved to be comedy. Taxies are everywhere. You're making a left
turn, in the left lane, signaling, and some asshole taxi squeezes past on
the left, practically on the sidewalk. When I spotted another one coming
I stuck my head out, pointed right at him, and yelled 'Don't even think
about it you fucking asshole!" Needless to say he didn't try it. This was
my zen moment of understanding. The truck's horn was broken, and no one
pays attention to horns anyway. However, if you make eye contact with the
offending idiot and make it clear that you're in no mood (even if you're
in a good mood), they will listen. After this, the night was comedy. Pull
up outside a club, the bouncer says 'hey, you can't park that there'. Really?
how about I park it on your sidewalk? What are you gunna do? Call the cops
and scare away all the people in your line that are already drunk or high?
I ain't moving bitch! Amazingly, not even a bouncer will challenge this.
Why? because you're in a fucking truck, and you're right. Ready to leave?
Well that taxi in front of you isn't going to move. The stupid bridge-and-tunnel
sluts in it are taking ten minutes to pay Apu the taxi man. So what do you
do? Roll it down and let it rip: "HEY! DO YOU FUCKING WHORES WANT TO
GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY ALREADY OR ARE YOU FINISHED BLOWING THE CABBY
YET?" - Yes, they jumped out immediately after that, Why? Because it's
fucking expected. You're owned, slutbag - now either get off of my road
or get in the back and suck some! Just don't try bogarting the cargo motherfucker!
Arrr!!! The hot pants!
