Exploring News: Kimye Doomsday Sex Bunker!

Published on: February 5th, 2020 | Last updated: February 4, 2020 | Written by: Bad Guy Joe

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Kimye Doomsday Sex Bunker!
I never dive into celebrity gossip with this newsletter but OMFG. Rumors about Kenye West being a doomsday prepper and his plans to drag Kim off to a dank bunker in Wyoming to repopulate the planet is definitely the kind of content the trash fire of humanity deserves right now.

Bedbugs still want to eat your Commute:
MTA workers at the Continental Master Control Tower in Forest Hills again had to close up shop to allow for fumigation of the room. This control tower manages train movements along the Queens blvd E, F, M and R route. At least this time they were able to fumigate after hours, instead of at the start of rush hour.

PB on the A
Some gross ass buck tooth no class motherfucka is smearing Peanut Butter on the poles of the A train. As Timmy says, Talk about nutty… And by all means, let your imagination run wild with all the better places you could use PB, other than on The A. Unless you’re kinky AF, but we don’t need to know about that. This is a family newsletter god damn it!

NYPD Yeeting $10M At Your Encryption
Apparently the NYPD is so desperate to perform illegal searches of your phone, they have set up a fortified lab to try to crack your passcodes. Real crooks don’t keep incriminating data on their phones, so hey let’s just throw all that tax payer money in the air.

ASS: Assorted Subway Shenanigans
A Derp was arrested after wandering Manhattan subway tunnels during Rush Hour.

Meanwhile over at The City, Jose Martinez is on the subway surfing beat, covering a story few news outlets have reported in depth. On Saturday there was a report on Citizen about some dumbass kid taking selfies on a laid up train at 30th ave in Astoria. Apparently he got away before cops came. No word on if he hid at Opa Opa and got some bomb ass gyros. Not that I ever did that after painting the fuck out of that station in 1991.

Speaking of ways to die in the subway, a corpse was found in the 6 tunnel in the South Bronx last week. No word on how it got there or if it was in one piece. Another corpse was found on top of a subway in Philly. In this case, I know a dead subway surfer when I see one. If you’re going to surf, you better know the terrain—otherwise just don’t do it.

Racist ass motherfucker and former NYPD commissioner Bill Bratton is crying about subway graffiti. Newsflash, you racist old fuck: You’re not in charge of the NYPD anymore and you never will be again, so yeet your racist ass on down to Alabama you fake Boston fuck.

When Towns Loot Bandos
Remember last week’s vague ass story about how Fayetteville (NC) wants to demolish some buildings for vague reasons? The Fayetteville Observer finally put out a more comprehensive article on this situation and it sounds even worse than just a bunch of bored people looking to demolish stuff they don’t own. It seems pretty clear they failed to communicate with the owners, who made efforts to fix the situation.

Shorties:
West Virginia really does have a bridge to sell you. So if you ever wanted to own a vintage 1891 combined former trolley/highway closed bridge, this is your chance.

The US continues to lose out on vital tunnel infrastructure because the world’s best low budget tunnel builders are given better work by the drug cartels.

OMG Don’t Do Urbex at 12AM ALMOST ARRESTED! Meanwhile, cops be like “Go home nerd, you’re a nerd!!” Don’t you know it’s a crime to be out walking around anywhere at night son? Dammnnn!

Austin is kicking the homeless out of its drain tunnels again, ahead of the rainy season. All things considered, at least they’re not going full shoot ehm up Texas on them.

Construction crews in MUSKEGON, Michigan discovered an abandoned oil well as they dug the foundation for a new convention center of course because holy Zodd why TF does MUSKEGON needs a convention center?

Also true story, if Slimer released a perfume, it would be called Musk of Egon. #Dadjokes

Hawai’i has a secret bunker full of medical supplies. Looks like one of their numerous former WW2 army installations.

Jeff Bezos News is reminding everyone this week that Fatbergs are absolutely 100% Your Fault, and that corporations who sell non-biodegradable garbage and market unnecessary Ass Wipes with no mention of their infrastructure clogging properties will bear no responsibility.

Some kind of cliff climbing cave mining clown had to be rescued in St. Paul as he dangled 100 feet off the ground with no way to escape. Explorer or kink gone wrong? YOU DECIDE.

Alabama police claimed last week that a woman was held as a sex slave in a ‘bando, only to retract the story and state everyone is innocent until proven guilty. Sounds like one of them good ole’ boys was related to the police chief and no sir e bob did anything happen there. Blue Lives Matter!

A homeless man was found stabbed to death outside a southeast Queens ‘bando house. Cops immediately arrested three people living inside because NYPD. The Post of course did not report what the occupants of the house were charged with (probably trespass), or if they had any link to the murder other than proximity and not being able to afford lawyers.

NYC’s longest existing abandoned locomotive was finally cut up for scrap metal last week. New York & Atlantic’s vintage 1950s #9321 (photo above) is no more. It spent its last nine years being harvested of parts from the RR and looters alike; as well as being pushed from one dead end siding to another around Fresh Pond Yard and East New York, often being derailed or used as a battering ram along the way. Apparently it became a home to a squatter during it’s final few months of existence, making it the most awesome squat in NYC. While it’s demise was rumored several times over the years, this was its verified end, complete with photos. Farewell obscure FreighTan beast!

ONE LESS BANDO!
A West Philly church that caught fire last year and sat abandoned ever since is apparently being demolished.

Bando BBQ!
A small bando in Hillsdale, MI burned to the ground. Fortunately the homeless couple that lived there didn’t die in the blaze.

An abandoned bar in Battle Creek Michigan became a mini fire battle ground, testing the will of firefighters to actually give a rats ass about this bar that the borough forgot.

An old nursing home in Yakima, WA caught fire twice last week, this after previous fires destroyed part of the building. Y’all best finna exploring that joint before it’s burned up entirely.

International Update
What IS beneath the Kremlin? Donald J Trump’s Micropenis? The Pee Tape? Hilary’s Servers? The Biden’s handsy cocaine sex cave and parental meeting room?

Of course, Brexitland has more “Secret Tunnels” than you can shake a cat at.

An old WW2 explosives shelter was found under a road in Sydney. Maybe this will be the Hemsworth brothers secret coronavirus apocalypse sex cave?

AND THAT’S A WRAP.
Pay the bribe, loot the ballots, ride the death spiral. Strap on your dildos because 2020 is going to be a wild ride.

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