Exploring News: Boom Boom Boom back to the Russian Cyberroom

Published on: January 22nd, 2020 | Last updated: January 21, 2020 | Written by: Bad Guy Joe

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Buy yourself an MBTA trolley
The MBTA is currently auctioning off a bunch of old, rotting trolley cars. I know what you’re thinking: What is an MBTA? Well I’ll do you one better: Why is MBTA?

If I had some land, I’d totally buy these and make them into an AirBnb. “Live the homeless life! Come stay in a real life public transit vehicle!” Features could include the stale piss smell of prior guests, audio recordings from real subway rides, and some Asian girl taking about her vag.

That Queens Shit
Did you ride the 7 this last week? If so, you probably heard some silly ass announcements recorded by Awkwafina, promoting a show she’s doing about growing up in Queens. While this seems like a fun use of those otherwise annoying automated announcements, I could see them becoming a real problem. What’s next, Jeff Bezos telling us that he now owns LIC? Also running these announcements for a week is a little excessive.

Aside from these concerns, the announcements are pretty silly, and if you stay on while the train heads to the yard, you’ll hear her tell you all about how part of her body can speak five different languages.

If you can’t tell I’m a legit Awkwafina fan, one of her first low budget videos caught my eye when it came out, with footage shot on my old block (34th street, off 34th ave) in Astoria, plus plenty of NUMTOTing. The announcements fit her early branding, so I can’t hate on that shit. Just don’t drop the subway map bitch, or you ain’t ever getting out of Queens!

Now, someone please find, an excuse to, get, Christopher Walken to, announce stops, on the N to his… native Astoria. A-Wow.

I just went to this “Cyberhouse” for the cracc…
Hey wanna Cyber?

I can’t tell if these Russians are serious or are just Putin on a show, but they designed a ‘zombie proof‘ house specifically for Tesla Cyber truck owners. And by Zombie proof, they mean poor people. No word if noted pothead Elon Musk will get one for use as a grow house, or how much this will eventually cost the US government and its new amazing camouflage SPACE FORCE! Bing bing boom pow bing!

Chimney Corpse
Ok this is a serious story. A 14 year old kid was found dead a few weeks after he apparently climbed or fell into a chimney in a vacant house in Ohio. Where did he get this idea? See, this is SANTA’s fault! Let’s ban Santa! Make Chimneys safe again! The war on Xmas must happen so we can stop these chimney bandits! Wait… what? Oh damn y’all I just Xed that man out of his own fake birthday. Why don’t people say Merry Xmas anymore? C’mon now! Anyway, RIP Young Chimney Bandit.

The D keeping it Real. really gooey that is.
So, you say you need some random chemical goo to… idk wtf kind of kinky are you anyway?! This abandoned factory in Detroit was found to have some old drums of chemicals left behind, and you damn well know ain’t no one getting caught or doing time for this crime.

More Bando Water in Flint
Yet another stockpile of brand new drinking water was found in an abandoned school. I kinda like this concept! Explorers need water in these dry ass bandos! Maybe Trump can Make America Great Again by air dropping fresh water into all ‘bandos?! MAGA! QANON! Throw us some paper towels while you’re at it! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Goon Robbery at the Youth Home
Four bungling morons robbed a security guard at an abandoned youth home in Albuquerque. The gobshites stole his car, only to discover that it was manual transmission and they had no clue how to drive it. Fast and Furious? More like Sloppy and Stupid. Anyway, that’s one ‘bando I’d stay away from for awhile.

The Tunnel King: EL CHAPO
It’s a good week when El Chapo’s name shows up. This legendary tunnel builder has still moved more goods with higher value through more tunnels than Elon Musk. Elect me president and I’ll put this guy in charge of our infrastructure! Tunnels for all!

Shorties:
Birmingham Alabama is trying to breathe new life into a fire damaged asbestos filled ‘bando residential tower because hey why not? You living in Alabama, fuck renovating just move on into that bitch. Can’t get no worse!

A Trump loving Delta airlines pilot was arrested for tagging racist shit in a Florida airport bathroom. If he just wrote some poetry about sitting there broken hearted, trying to shit but only farted, he’d still have a job. #DadJokes #WheresTheTwoPlyAt? #SandpaperAss #CheapAirportTP

I’m always amazed when I hear about abandoned houses in NYC, like this one, that is falling apart, racking up huge fines, and pissing neighbors off. It’s as if they owner just decided they don’t the huge amount of money they could make by selling it.

600 Broadway in SoHo is a ‘bando? Huh.

The MTA is trying to sell their Mobile Wash Truck warehouse in Greenpoint. This building was a neighbor to the Greenpoint Terminal Warehouses and the western terminal of the extremely long forgotten Glendale and East River railroad.

Looking for someplace warm and toasty to explore this winter? How about a 160 degree steam tunnel?! Apparently this Ohio State college has just such a tunnel system. Having spent plenty of time under Columbia University, I highly recommend college steam tunnels.

Bando BBQ
A very fancy pants looking abandoned house in Springfield Mass. caught fire last week. Unfortunately Tom Brady was not locked inside.

An abandoned Denny’s in Colorado Springs got charred, just like their overcooked garbage food.

A big bando in downtown Calexico (CA) burned to the ground this week. I’m regretting not driving through this town on either of my two recent trips down there.

And finally, another West Virginia bando got the fire treatment from a careless homeless man.

Bandos for Sale!
If you’ve ever wanted to buy a large old school, this one in Corydon, Kentucky is now available. If you’ve ever just wanted to sneak into a very clean well maintained looking school, well, you ain’t subscribed to this newsletter and ain’t hear shit from me.

(OH DAMN now all those people living in 2003 urbex gunna be like HE JUST BLEW UP MY SPOT!)

Hey speaking of getting in shit, A long abandoned mansion near Dallas is about to be converted to a wedding venue. Bad Guy Joe says: “Construction Time is the Right Time to get down with the Crime!”

Cops and Facial Recognition.
Y’all knew this shit was coming: An Australian company is providing facial recognition tech to numerous Police departments around the US. If you want to be up all night paranoid AF about this shit, read the article. It’s even more terrifying than you think. Although it is also only a matter of time before this company gets sued. They are essentially stealing copyrighted material (your photos) from social media, storing them on their servers, and now using them for their own financial benefit. If you find yourself or anyone you know caught up in a legal case due to Clearview’s database, talk to a copyright lawyer. It sounds crazy but you might be able to turn the tables.

International Update
TUNNEL UNDER UK ABANDONED MILL WOW.

Mmmm abandoned Cuban Ice Factory. Add it to your travel list.

While you’re at it, don’t be an bloody ejit, check out these irish bandos.

AND THAT’S A WRAP.
It’s 2020 and it’s time NYC has a serious talk about free public transit. Many other cities are already tinkering with this. While this might seem like a crazy insane fever dream, hear me out:

1) Roughly 1/3rd of our subway fare goes to Wall Street, in the form of a very unrealistic debt burden.
2) A significant amount of the MTA’s budget is spent on fare collection: through personnel collecting tickets, legacy token booths, maintenance of turnstyles, and let’s not forget the huge amounts of money wasted on fare evasion cops (effectively decriminalizing poor people).
3) There are numerous ways to fund this: congestion pricing is tiny compared to say, a 1 cent tax on all deliveries, a 3 cent fuel tax, nationalized funding, etc.

All problems seem impossible to solve until you start chipping away at them. The Status Quo is never necessarily the best way to go, and if we’re going to do anything about climate change, fixing our public transit and funneling more riders to it (vs. uber and lyft) is an absolute must. Bold ideas need to be openly discussed, because this norm… it’s not working.

And that’s my sermon for the day, signed sincerely, you’re favorite mail-order NYC Certified minister:
-Bad Guy Joe

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