Exploring News: We are all P*n*s Man

Published on: January 29th, 2020 | Last updated: January 28, 2020 | Written by: Bad Guy Joe

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Nooooo! Penis Man Caught!
My favorite graffiti story this month, the Penis Man of Tempe, Arizona, has reportedly been caught. 25 heavily armed Cops apparently raided his apartment complex and arrested him while pointing an assault rifle in his face. As the alleged offender stated “There is no excuse for pointing an AR-15 in the face of a non-violent offender.” He went on to state “We are All Penis Man.” The American Hero we truly deserve folks.

ZOMBIE BEDBUGS ARE HERE TO DESTROY NYC
Last Tuesday evening, a homeless man was found dead on a northbound D train, covered in Bed Bugs. Less than 24 hours later, E, F, M and R train service to Queens was destroyed during rush hour when workers at the Forest Hills control tower had to flee their post due to still more bedbugs found inside. This is what happens when you remove raccoons and especially bedbug eating Possums from the subway system.

NYC Water Mains to NYC Subway: Hold My Water!
Not to be outdone by the bedbugs, NYC’s water mains continue to age and fail at an increasing rate. When these water pipes give up, they often flood subway tunnels, leading to one of the massive service disruptions we saw last week. In other news, Cuomo was seen telling reporters it’s all just part of his plan to flush the bed bugs out.

Farewell, Train Daddy
Also in Big Subway News this week, Train Daddy resigned. He was last reportedly seen kayaking down a flooded subway tunnel, leaving the bedbug infested waters behind. And by Bedbug, I mean Andrew “The MTA Is A Fiction” Cuomo.

K9 Training
As many explorers know, first responders often use abandoned buildings for training exercises. Here’s a timely story about Masshole cops training K9’s in abandoned buildings. If Blue Lives Matter so much, why doesn’t Trump fund proper training facilities?

Trump OK’s Yeeting More Shit into the Ocean
Thinking of going for a swim in a river or ocean anytime soon? And by soon, I mean in our lifetimes? You might want to think twice, given that Trump’s EPA is making it easier for cities to not replace CSO sewers with modern, treated facilities. While NYC has not apparently made any deals with them, sinking himself into a sewer full of fatbergs is definitely the kind of low I imagine fauxgressive NYC Mayor DeBlasio going out on.

Quarry Cadaver
A family out exploring an abandoned Quarry in the UK stumbled across the corpse of a man who apparently took his own life. Maybe it’s time we made those suicide booths eh?

REPENT TO YOUR BIRD GOD!
Remember that dude who stole a Parks Department truck in order to write “BIRD GOD!” on Grand Army Plaza in Brooklyn? Well, he went back to scrawl some more insane shit! According to the Post: “Denis Shelagin, 36, of Washington state was busted at 6:30 a.m. for the latest stunt in which he allegedly scribbled, ‘If you cripple or kill any more of my birds then I will innihilate [sic] you in this next CARTEL WAR. We birds are the real Mafia. You keep messing with us anduwill [sic] mess with a nazi [sic] style human torture extreme.” MAKES TOTAL SENSE. Can we get Bird God and Penis Man together? That’d be the best graffiti since that time someone punched Cope2 in the face.

Oakland Squatter Win
A group of moms took over a vacant house in Oakland and after a ridiculously tense standoff (during which cops deployed military grade vehicles), they will apparently be able to stay. The property will be bought by a community land trust. Housing is a right, and speculators pumping up prices and gentrifying people out of their own neighborhoods is a practice that needs to end.

Shorties:
Fairbanks, Alaska joins the list of city governments trying to figure out how to deal with abandoned buildings. Apparently opening them as trap houses hasn’t occurred to them yet.

This next level MTA tweet about an unauthorized person on the tracks of the Williamsberg bridge was actually a suicide. RIP random bridge bouncer.

The Baffler has a great recent article about Centralia, PA. There’s nothing left out in Centralia, but it kinda makes me want to revisit it. Afterall, the last time I was out there was literally 20 years ago.

Westford, Mass is looking to tear down the old Abbot Worsted mill property. This factory was used to manufacture steel plates

Waveland, Mississippi apparently has at least one nice ‘bandos right along the highway. The city wants to clean them up, but, their God Trump hasn’t made Waveland Great Again.

A ‘bando in Reardon, WA collapsed. Neighbor Porky McButterPants noted “well, there goes the neighborhood“, dismayed that there’s one less ‘bando for the Feral Hogs in his town to live in.

St. Louis claims it is finally going to do something about the old abandoned Jamestown Mall. Then again, they said the same things when the mall closed years ago. Maybe they should just leave that shit there and try to open the next Meow Wolf?

Nosy ass losers in Fayetteville want to condemn a few abandoned houses because dude, what the fuck else is there to do?

Florida man was caught trespassing at the same abandoned realty office twice in two days. Now look, when you find a good space for living, you come on out swinging! I would have went up to that cop, and slapped him till he dropped. Yelling get off my lawn you predator shit, or next time I’ll slap you in the dick! Dolomite is my name!

Vice has a tribute to London Urbexer Johnny Turner, who recently died at age 23. The article also doubles as a primer on what the hell exploring is, which is just sooo basic. C’mon people it’s 2020. Twenty+ years of this hobby being mainstream and y’all still explaining it to normie derps?

You know your Brooklyn street is ghetto when the neighbors are planting buckets of human feces outside. While the surface story is quite gross, the underlying tale of people having their homes literally stolen from them is extremely disturbing. And it’s not just criminals doing this—DeBlasio’s city government has also been in on the act.

ONE LESS BANDO!
An abandoned bowling alley in Parma, Ohio is being demolished this week. Guess we can mark this one zero?

Bando BBQ!
An abandoned hotel in Tulsa erupted in flames last Wednesday night. No word on if the 7th Calvary was involved. A similar dirty ass hotel in Jacksonville also caught fire over the weekend. Sloppy ass abandoned hotels are prime real estate for homeless trying to stay warm and needing a bed.

International Update
OH MY! Someone abandoned their house in this FANCY PANTS UK neighborhood! No one has been their in 18 months! We know this because the guy next door is sad he can’t spy on his neighbor! Now how will he get his free nudes?! *Clutches Pearls* WHO WOULD EVER WANT TO JUST ABANDONED THEIR HOUSE WITH SOME WONDERFUL NOSY NEIGHBORS?!

Police in Jamaica found an abandoned house full of ammunition. So yeah when you exploring foreign lands, you best be leaving some of these ‘bandos alone!

AND THAT’S A WRAP.
2020 is happening. You got a plan for crushing this year?

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